lost between truths...

i can still watch the glimmers of white spots dancing in the black,
the black room in where i hide myself,
i can still smell the scent of you in my dream,
in where i have always wanted to share with you,
and i can still hear you from your sleeping,
which i have always wanted to wake you up,
and tell you that he has always wanted to tell you that he loves you,
i'm not saying that i dont love you,
i'm trying to prove that there are some better guys for you,
i'm not worth it for you, my dear
life sucks love sucks her hands sucks
all these fucking nonsenses making me mad
making me fucking want to drive in the midnight and crash into the river while no one knows!
don't worry...im just lost between truths...

part 7

don't kill yourself silently but gracefully
don't blame all on yourself but the others
don't chop your heart into two but into pieces
don't fill your lungs with air but water
don't drown yourself in the river but in your living room
don't commit that but this
this that makes you feel fucked up
so fuck up your life...
god's love kills....

lost between truths..

alone now,
seem like it was going to rain,
but i already been drowned by the confusion i faced,
the unexplained force in my heart kills me with no chance for resurrection,
i am drowned and pushed into nowhere....i am lost again! ......9/1/06

lost between truths

sittin in the middle of nowhere with no motive,
zak watched the waiters passed by many times,uncountable,
without a puff of a cigarette, he was stoned in front of the crowd,
juz dreamed and stared with no motive......... 9/1/06

part 6

of all the matter...i fell in love
with a gal..the only gal...
who would fly out...to nowhere
without noticing
i fell in love...
without realising
i'd die for her....

we went movies...we went dinners
but no kisses no held hand
we went searching for stars
in the pouring rain...
all we've got...
are the teardrops filling each others' eyes
not caused by the rain
is because of the leaving
the leaving of zean
to a place afar...

the promises and wishes she gave...
only kept in my burning heart
waiting for them to be fulfilled
to put away the fire that burning
the fire that has been burning for the past millions of years
"don't die, live in a better way" thats the last words
uttered from her lips,,,,....
before leaving...
zak was left behind,,with tears and aching heart,,
the only force that keeps promising to stay alive
is HOPE....

part 5

i found her..with her sisters
she stood there..
trying to call me
i missed it..without knowing it
i walked pass her, into a record store
still she was standing there, waiting for me

i was trying to be misunderstood,
but somehow and somewhere,
in my heart, i don't feel like knowing
i talked to her
like there was a train running inside of me
my heart's speeding without stopping
not even a while like at a stoppage station

the 1st word, "how are you?"
was uttered out but not loud enough
she said,"i am fine" without continuing with any other word
i thought it was just nothing at all
from my pocket, i grabbed a gift for her
which i bought from a place afar
she kept it...

from that moment, she walked away
later on, an sms was received
"thank you for your present, i will keep it inside my purse..."
......................................."you are welcome"

part 4

what...can i do?
it was almost 1800 b.p.m.
my heart's pumping like dropping
my heart's dropping like dripping
the dripping of my blood
like the darkest river flowing
hardly in the hot summer days
the residents' souls soon fade away
like mine, is thus faded away
as i was the soul of the river
i once build a home at the riverbanks
waiting for you, to wave at me asking
"when will your home be done?
but your lips and eyes just shut
when passing by,
once you look at me in the eye
i blamed myself,
i was scared and stupid not to ask for your hand
long before,
half an hour to go
to sit right beside you
may this hour remains
when and where shall i ever see you again?
i will be regretting for the rest of the time
when you still fresh in my mind
but i guess it will last till it sees me dead
may my love reach you long
because i have keep it locked inside of me
and buried it too long
now that I've gone too far
please say it's not too late
for now I'm dead and gone

part 3

Life's changin'
Memories fading
A silver bullet
Made my heart aching

Riding in a silver train
I'm thinking of you again
Clearly I'm feelin' the pain
My heart's bleeding again

I spent an hour with you
Shall i asked for anything else
Just one simple kiss
For me not anyone else

Your name runnin' in my veins
Like a darkest river filled with pain
The cold roses are dyin'
Can't save 'em not even medicine

Finally i'm dying
It kills all my pain
Sky is falling
My blood stops dripping.


But i still feel the wind
the cold wind thru my veins
the first time in my life
i don't feel sad
the first time in my life
i see your hand
filled with love
for me not for anyone else

don't say its too late
i've always been crying n praying
for your love during my days
the darkest days have come

you went thru that door
that never ending route ahead you
that black door which lead you to nowhere

i'm here for you
but he's there to fuck you
i'm here to cry
you're there with tears

part 2

i walk to my own grave
and i watch the sun goes down
i can still feel the wind blowing
though i am dead
the dim light and the coldness
in the cemetery
remind me of HER
in the central of the market yelling like insane

first time in my life,
i can see, and i see you
first time in my life,
i am dead
first time in my life,
i am not sad

first time in my life,
i have lost my soul
but i will not lose you
deep in my hollow heart
there's a empty room
waiting for you to fill,
with a promise that you will
you will break the spell in me,
that's been growing inside of me
to lock the thoughts for centuries,

now i can see the stars,
flying above me
the only star that caught my eyes
is your tearful eyes.
looking back when,
i used to rub away your tears,
that flow like a black river,
that wash away all your eye liner
and all those make-up,
i've promised to rub till my fingers turn dry and old
now that you've gone
i hope it's not too late
for that i am dead and gone before
i am dying.....

part 1

the disfigured Zak, was left alone in pieces
not a soul was there
not a soul was there eyeing on him nor passing by him
the pieces of his were only accompanied by a school of piranhas
the friendly little piranhas
who will finish up the pieces of his
the pieces of his will now and soon be
going along the route of a running river
towards nowhere
towards nowhere
that's the end of the pieces of his


it's just because i don't say anything
doesn't mean i don't like you
i will try and i try and i try
to make you love me

and beside you most probably
holding a pretty little girl's hand
rubbing simply to keep her warm
joking simply to make her aware
that you were hers to love
all those fucking jokes were used to be mine
to tell her
that i was hers to love
and all those fucking hand holdings and rubbings
were all used to be mine
what the hell am i talking about
am i going to be the maddest person on earth
or just in the world of yours?

in my mind's view
it seemed slow motions
without a feeling
i woke up
it's a brand new day
i felt nothing
it was November 11th
and i felt dying
stoned and staring
at the phone while it was vibrating

the doctor said,"zean is leaving
would you come over?"
i would have held her hands
and told her i was fucking love her
she said on the phone
"i know about this day to come,,,"
i fell on my knees
tears sliding towards my chin
i did nothing

i carved her name on a stone
began to plant it into the earth
embedded with cold roses with cold feelings
knelt to her and said,"i miss you"
the berries fell one by one in the cemetery
the leaves fell
as well as the fucking hurt heart of mine
they all fell
fell into nowhere
it was January 1st
and i felt dying again

the wind blew
it went through my lungs
i searched for her breath
though i knew it was no longer here
beyond our world
she'd asked me what i want
between the trees and the ponds
she'd put your hands in mine
at least i had spent an hour with her
shall i want anything else?

time had bridled us both
i still remember her
the way she hold hands with him
the way she felt aware of him
the way she was kissed by him
the way she left me
the way she suffered
the way she told me she knew that day would come
the way she shut her eyes like nothing
the way she looks like in the black white photo
the way she exhaled air into my lungs
THE WAY SHE SCREAM ME "I LOVE YOU"
in the central of the market
on April 4th...